What I learned about bouncing back from kids

May 22nd, 2008

What I learned about bouncing back from kids

In 2003, I began dating a young man who I had known indirectly for many years. We attended a lot of the same functions and he would stare at me and smile but never say hello. He had the cutest smile. Soon after we began dating, he labeled me “the one” and introduced me to his family. He had one little sister, a seemingly quiet 10 year old who loved to dance, sing and go to girl scout meetings. We had a lot in common and began spending a lot of time together.

I had no idea that within a few months I would help them through burying their mother. You couldn’t have paid me a billion dollars to believe that just two years later, I would help her (and she would help me) through burying him.

In February, just one day after turning 47, their mother died. Total shock.

He called me throughout the day and I tried my best to coach him through it, he told me I was like Les Brown (everything but the looks, of course). I talked him through telling his little sister but nothing in life could have prepared him for that moment. She told me the next day that she thought she was on Punk’d and I wished with all of my heart that she was.

My relationship with her brother hit a rough patch but I remained in close contact with his family and spent a lot of time with his little sister. We shopped, dined, danced, did the movies, etc. and with the help of many she was on the road to recovery.

I reached out to her brother in the summer of 2005 to try friendship and in the spring of 2006 we talked about trying more. He planned a surprise weekend trip to an amusement park in May for his little sister’s birthday and I agreed to go.

I last spoke to him on a Wednesday night in April on my way into church for choir practice with his sister and aunt. He told me I was an angel, always floating around helping people. I laughed and he agreed to treat me to a hot dog (one of my favorites) and plan our surprise trip.

That Friday afternoon, heading back to work I saw the freight train that passes through campus regularly was sitting still near the gym. An ambulance and fire truck were behind me and I immediately said a prayer for the person, as those trains only stop when accidents have happened.

I got back to my office and saw the story on the web, “Man killed by train.” He crossed my mind briefly but I never thought it was really him. On the way to give a speech, I got a frantic call from his aunt asking for my help immediately. I rushed to the house to be met by the police. His little sister knew something was wrong but I had to deliver the news.

I tried to be soft but direct and she sobbed on my leg for what seemed like an eternity.

It’s been two years now since he passed. I now look at a 15 year old with no mother and no big brother, who finds reasons to smile daily. I know that she hurts but she lets it out through the arts. Watching her dance makes me cry on the inside and every Sunday, she sings her heart out in church which often makes me cry on the outside. Next month, we will perform together at a wedding, one her brother would have been in if he was still alive.

Watching her become a teenager under so much stress and with so much loss has made me realize that I can’t complain about a thing. She bounced back and she is such a survivor. When you love someone, pain is inevitable. You just have to be thankful for having love and being loved. As an adult with both parents and my only sibling all healthy and close, as well as three grandparents still alive and kicking…I can only hope that when tough times arrive I bounce back like this kid.

Kudos to “B,” the bounce back kid :)

LJ Classic - T. Silver with LJ's sister and her own sister, K. Silver